Another same-like-yesterday day. I turned the computer on and logged in to my home-based job (odesk.com), made myself a cup of coffee, played Kari Jobe and grabbed Gladwell’s Tipping Point. I stared point-blankly on my screensaver-
I let go of a sigh.. Ah, waiting is hard! Those months that I stayed in my room doing nothing. Weekends mean friends, coffee, movie, road trip, food, church! I was gaining more and more weight each day. I told myself, ‘I need to prepare myself for something big.. something amazing.. something sweet- I will fly soon.’
Nothing much changed except that I lose a few pounds from being sleep indebted. Finished 4 Gadwell books. Now up to the 5th, David and Goliath.. I wished he wrote this back in 2008, right before I decided where to and what to major in college. Bought a few Lucado books and vented into a movie junkie. Internet is golden. Sleep is platinum. I am still in my room (for the most part).. hotel rooms.. Weekends mean nothing. I am unaware of dates or days. I know hours though. And though it might seem that my job is every woman’s dream, I still tell myself, ‘I need to prepare for something big.. something amazing..something sweet. And yes, I will stop flying just not too soon.’
I will be in a profession that I’ve always wanted to be. My car & mortgage all paid up. I should have sent my little sister and brother to college by then and with the money I saved from flying, I would put up my own business in the Philippines. My parents would not find the need to wait for 65 to retire. And a little further tomorrow.. I wish to utter, ‘All my life I’ve prepared myself for this.’
Before.Today.Tomorrow. In just a matter of 5 mins, I was able to back track, ponder on today and think of the future.
Brain, you are beyond words! You are limitless!
What more the One who created you?
Lord, You never fail to amaze me. I understand the littleness of my wanting. Sharpen my meekness. Hammer me more with Your discipline. I will wait and delight in waiting. In Your time. It will be all perfect!
Where are you? Are you with me? I am not searching by the way but if you are able to read this today then know that I wrote this on the 11th of April 2013, at 357 in the afternoon. Know that today, I am in a relationship with somebody 5000 miles away- well depends on where I’m at- but right now he is in Vegas and I am in Doha. I know it’s weird that I am writing to you when I am in a relationship. To be honest, I don’t know if the person I am with and you are one and the same.. Lately I have been going through some tough fights with myself. There has never been a doubt in my heart that I love him but I have lots of questions in my mind. I am not getting any younger. Turning 26 this year and as much as my flying career is promising and all that, I know I wouldn’t last here any longer than 3 years.
For the past few days, I’ve been bugged by this idea of YOU- my “God’s Best”. Most of my Christian friends have a list of all the characteristics they want in a partner. I also have mine. But I’m afraid that the person I am with right now doesn’t meet my top most requirement.. that is.. A man that loves the God that I love and serve. This letter is not about my boyfriend, but letting you know about my current state of heart. I am longing for you. The patient part of me says that I have to stay in this relationship and see where it goes but the other part, the impulsive and let’s do it part says “why stay when he doesn’t meet your standards?”. Don’t get me wrong, He is a good man. I’ve spent sleepless nights crying about this. I’ve been asking God to close the doors between us, if he is not you! He is almost best.. just that the kind of love that we know is different. The love that I know comes from God, the source of love Himself.. while the love that he grew up with is the kindness of people.. the philanthropic . the generous.. the man-made kind of love that the world pretty much celebrates. Not that I have anything against that. It is good but it does have its limitations. I know someday when we are together in marriage, it will be a big deal. For when we cannot give anymore, when ourselves tell us that we are not capable, there we draw our strength and provision from God. You see, that’s my biggest problem nowadays. I want the kind of man who would draw love from God. For with that I am assured that it would be limitless.
Second, my God’s best is someone that I can submit to. I want him to be my leader and before that happens, he should know how to be a servant first, isn’t it? It is very important to me that my partner has the heart of service. Someone who puts God first, then others second for with that I know that he will never let something or someone get in between us and our family. The one who would take care of himself the last. Not because he doesn’t love himself, but because he knows that when he focuses in God, then his needs are guaranteed provided. And he need not to worry because he will be my priority :) Now for him to lead, he has to have a vision. That is very important to me. He should be able to be led by the Holy Spirit, which means, he should hear from God… and that will only happen if he is close to God. I need my partner to have his own intimate relationship with God.
Third, I want my God’s best to love the people that I love. My family is very important to me and even if we get married, they will remain my ministry. I’m not saying they live in the same house with us but all the support that they need- financially, emotionally, spiritually- I want to be there to provide it. Did I tell you that my mom got my name from Jehovah Jireh which means God Will Provide? And when talking about family, it does not just relate to my parents but also to my siblings- Jemuel, Joseph, JM & JD and their families too. I want our family to be there for them when they need us. I want them to look up to our marriage. To draw from us the vision and inspiration they need to go through this life. That’s why I need you to be strong in faith. To be bold in your conviction to serve God, with me. For I know that it will be very hard someday. There will be a lot of trials, not just for us, but for our respective families as well. And we have to be ready to fight the battle. To put the whole armor of God. To stand firm having fastened the belt of truth and breastplate of righteousness. Also, the readiness given by the gospel of peace that we get when we pray together (Ephesians 6:10-20). I need you to pray with me every night before we go to bed. And if needed, pray for me and intercede for me. You know that being my partner, you held yourself accountable for everything about me. I will also do the same for you. Know that I would always be there for you in everything. We are one. And when the time comes that you stumble and your faith weakens, count on me to be strong for the two of us. We have the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit to fight all the adversaries that will come.
I guess that’s it. I am not asking for too much, am I? You know how many relationships I’ve been through before I finally realize that if I want God’s best, then I have to be the best for someone too! (That is Elemantary, isnt it?)
Where are you? Are you with me? Know that I have prayed for you a long time ago. I’m sorry if my heart isn’t whole anymore…
How do you become “Friends” with someone?
I know I’ll get a lot of eyebrows raised. Since this morning, I’ve been deleting people from my Friends list in Facebook. From 1000+, I am down to 500+ and forecasting to have 2-digit number before I go to bed tonight. I wouldn’t lie. ‘Twas a tough decision to make considering that I am overseas away from my comfort zone but does it really make any difference? I’ve been in denial about my addiction to Facebook since I joined in late 2007. Back in the days, the coolest feature was “Poke” (if you guys remember) Being able to like and comment on a post and the capability to post videos and build a community of gamers made it easy for Friendster users (back then) to do the move. Since the Friendster apocalypse, I’ve observed how my social life evolved from getting online as ‘just’ a digital extension to my reality to actually basing off reality from what I see in my News Feed which, I am sure, most, if not all, would consider as social bigotry.
The past few months, the amount of time I spend on Facebook- scrolling through my News Feed, liking a photo, thinking of an appropriate social-geek response about someone else’s post, formulating a catchy, mind-boggling status update that would gather many ‘Likes’ and choosing photos to upload about my most recent whereabouts- totally outweigh the benefits I get from it.
Again, going back to my question. How do you become friends with someone?
And then I realized that the people that I have actual conversations with in Facebook are my (actual) friends. I meet them whenever I have a Manila flight. I call them. I talk to them over Skype, some Facetime, and mostly Viber. So why the need for Facebook?
I want to simplify my life. And by simplify, I mean omitting things that are UNNECESSARY, or plainly redundant. Facebook is a no-brainer.
I want to slow down. To brake to a pace where I can actually consume and not just taste what I have. Relationships, included. I miss the days when I doze off from reading a book or talking with someone over the phone. These days, I wake up with my phone beside me (sometimes under me!). I indulge on secondary snippets and status updates.. I savor someone’s profile showing the ‘best filet mignon in town!’
And lastly, I want to limit the number of things that compete for my attention so that I can apply more attention to those things I care the most about. It would feel bad to be deleted from someone else’s Friend’s List but please don’t get me wrong.. I guess, letting go of some people in your life- previous colleagues, people you met from an event, high school & college batch mates, your friend’s friend and your neighbor’s pet dog- is healthy. I am not saying that I don’t have any room for possible friendships. Just that there are other avenues to grow it and Facebook, in my opinion, is not the best option. If I have just a limited time to spend online with people that matter, wouldn’t I use the most appropriate vessel to meet?
So with that being said, Yes. I am keeping Facebook but only so my family can see my pictures. As for my (actual) friends, you know how to reach me! And since I travel a lot (for my job), I would never walk away from my love of bl(ah)gging and photo-sharing.
Let’s do Instagram. iamjerrah
There’ll come a point in your life when you lose focus and doubt whether you are in the right place, with the right person, doing what you are ought to do. Someone told me that I am just being emotional cause by being away from my family & friends and a big factor is that my birthday is coming up in a few days. Well, yes, let’s admit that. I am extra emotional these days. You wake up alone…sleep alone.. eat alone..go online at odd hours and talk to nobody. My friends in Doha? To be honest, we catch up (more) online. We share our rosters online and talk about our flights online. Cup of coffee together? Very rarely. And slowly, while I go discover beautiful places, I feel like I am being detached more from the world. I am living a dream life for some- travel and get paid for it, tax-free salary, carefree life- yet I wake up crying these days. I admit I’ve been throwing questions a lot. Thing is, it bounces back to me in my prayers. And it hurts more. They say that happiness is a choice. And I am continuously and passionately choosing that side everyday, every flight, every encounter with strangers- the crews I fly with, my passengers, the receptionist, the guy riding a bike that I asked for directions, the airport security, the woman on the opposite table- but tell you, it isn’t easy.
These times I know I need You..more of You.
This is how you lose her.
You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.
You must remember when she forgets.
You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention.
She remembers when you forget.
You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.
You must learn her.
You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to.
You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.
And, this is how you keep her.
My knees tremble as I move forward. But I will keep on walking anyway. It isn’t about me in the first place. It was never about me. All I have right now is Your promise God and as long as I am walking in line with Your will- I know, You are with me. And the finish line is only secondary. Right now, right here.. with You.. this is what matters. You are molding my heart in every step, in every cry, in every prayer… And in spite of the difficulties of the moment, I will endure knowing for certain that You are more than enough!
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. , Romans 5:3-5
Tell you what.. I only go out when:
1.) I get on/off the shuttle bus from/to my accommodation to/from the airport.
2.) I need to bring my dirty uniform to the laundry.
3.) I need to exchange/send money.
4.) I go to the gym or visit my friends from other accommodations in Doha.
5.) I am required to go to the office.
6.) I go to church.
Other than that, grocery shopping perhaps.. I do it elsewhere. I, like some people, hibernate in our flats during summer. :)
Post vacation blues are over and today, I have met with the management team about my career path! I am now 7 months old in the aviation industry and by next week, I will get trained for the newest plane in town- The Dreamliner :)
Apart from that, I am expecting a lot of things to unfold for the next half of 2013. I have just applied a visa for my brother and I want to thank God as early as now. I’ve been fervently praying for this even before I came in Doha. To be with my family here would mean a lot to me and I know that all things work together for good no matter what the result is. I am thankful for the peace that surpasses all understanding and that alone is enough reason for me to expand my vision and to keep dreaming for MORE!
For now, my only prayer is that my heart be guarded in everything. I want God to search my heart and take away any wrong motives. I want my ‘wants’ to align with God’s will for my life. I want to walk not by my sight, but by faith. I want to act as if nothing is impossible because surely, nothing is hard enough for the Creator of heavens and earth!
And because of that, yes, my glass if half empty. Not because I am not content but because I know that I am made for more. The God who loves me so much, gave His Son to die in the cross for me.. so I can live my life in full.. so I can live my life for Him.
Isn’t that enough reason to value your life and keep walking forward? How about you? What are you looking forward to for the next halftime of 2013? Things may be unsure (almost all the time!) but let not your vision faint. I would run if I have to. I will choose to take a leap (of faith), if I may.